Monday, March 27

An apology

OK, I really am sorry that our night our turned out so badly.
But you know me, by now. You know I’m not at all the suave, sophisticated, humourous, intelligent and vaguely sexy man I make myself out to be, I’m really pretty boring. I count the dimples on toilet paper, for Christ’s sake, and most of my thinking comes from Chinese crackers, I spend too much time fantasising rather than doing, and I worry every morning about are you worrying about my bald spot, and I could use an owners manual for new relationships. With a guarantee, or at least a refund policy.

But I am a romantic, and I thought it would be great for you to come and join me, in the taxi I arranged. OK, the blindfold was a bit over the top, but I thought it fun and teasing. You wouldn’t know what was about to happen, nor where it was going to happen.

And I planted the M&M’s in the back by arrangement with the driver. I mean, who the hell doesn’t like M&M’s nowadays? And I didn’t remember you are allergic to peanuts. How could I remember, you told me at least 4 months ago and we had sex just after, and you know that all men never remember or believe anything said when there’s sexual tension around. If you weren’t so allergy prone, you’d know M&M’s are just great, and it’s the thought that counts, after all.

Anyway, why was I angry when you arrived at the restaurant? Well, I had been sitting on my own for 55 minutes after stuffing myself with canapes and wine. And I always turn my ‘phone off in restaurants, as I think its rude to answer calls there, so how could I know you had tried phoning from the surgery to tell me you were taking an injection for the rashes and redness and swelling the nuts gave you? OK, you explained when you came – well, actually, yelled at me when you came – that you were pissed off, but why did you leave home without the taxi fare. Although I arranged the taxi, I never said I was going to pay for it. And I did offer some food from my plate, from my dinner, and although it has gone a little cold it had been delicious. But no, you refused it and then whined all night long about how hungry you were.

See, I knew the M&M’s would come in very handy.

Anyway, then you frowned at me over the table for the rest of the evening, making me feel very uncomfortabale even after I eventually offered you €5.00 for the taxi fare; and then you threw the change in my face. And that ’s when I got really angry; Can’t you even work out that if the fare was €3.45 then you should have thrown €1.55 in my face and not just €1.30?

And the water I threw back at you was Perrier. It’s the best, and that’s got to be worth something.

Thank God the cutlery had been cleared away when you attacked me otherwise if the coffee cup had been a meat knive I could be dead by now. One of my better shirts, too! (How do you remove coffee stains, by the way? Could you fix it when you’re next around?).

Anyway, look, let’s make up. It was a very nice restaurant and the food was good, and the idea was well meant. Next time I promise I’ll pay the taxi fare, too. And the fact I can forgive you shows you I do have style, too.


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